My Life Now

When I look at myself objectively I see me for who I am. I always love looking at myself as how others would perceive me. Finally after a long time - a year and a half to be exact - I can see myself becoming the person I used to be. I am achieving my goals, although at the moment I feel like I am dipping my feet into cold water. Anticipating an initial shock and shiver of the coolness and then as I ease myself in I know I will assimilate in such a way that I will become the water itself. I have faith in my dreams. I am being faced with circumstances that I have dealt with before, and the best thing is that since I have perspective and experience I can deal with them better. I think time and age are amazing; they really make you who you are today. There is just one step left on my quest for complete self satisfaction and I can see that becoming a reality in the horizon too.

I have been talking about the future quite a bit; but frankly I am very satisfied with my present as well. I am really feeling at peace with the decisions that I have made and the kind of connections and relationships that I have established. I am really following my bliss. I hope you will too.

Ennui: A Narcotic High

Ennui: A Narcotic High: "Love. The combination of friendship, affection and lust that makes us experience something that is beautifully powerful and horribly painful..."

It really makes a lot of sense. you should see that special on discovery channel on love and the nature of it. We were shown clips in our social psychology class

Empty

Sometimes, actually most of the time, I feel this gaping hole inside me. It's like a vortex trying to suck all my energy into this one tiny compact spot. Then I realise that this feeling is coming from my heart. I never gave my heart to anyone nor did I ever steal anyones. I always told myself that I will be enough for me. That somehow, miraculously, I have the answers for all of life's questions. I just sometimes feel that all my answers are being sucked in by this void. I feel alone and shattered and that scares me. It scares me because I do not know what really happens when you love someone aside from what I am told. Itscares me because this hole is not going to let me find that someone I can spend my life with.

I look around me and I see that I am 19, I am a college student and I have to still figure out my life. One day when I was 14 I made up my mind that I don't need a relationship to keep me happy I will always have my work and my family and more than that myself to keep me strong. Little did I know that very same commitment came with a price. The price being my sanity, good night sleeps and emotional stability. Who do I talk to? To whom should I express my love to? I try to find that one and I am always told "No" why not for once without thinking about the consequences and wwithout thinking about the risks can I not find someone. I know I have standards but honestly when it is 1:00 am and you have a splitting headache and you feel like baring your soul into cybberspace ... where by the way no one gives a shit what I write ... you realise that high standards are just a defense mechanism, because you are scared of what might happen if you actually fall in love.

Rediscovering a part of me

Painting, Drawing, Sketching I used to think that I had lost my abilities with these instruments. Somehow I feel that rather than going away by not using these for the past year and a half they have had time to marinate and mature. No longer does my hand shake and cause a mistake on a watercolor I have been working on for 3 hours. My hand is steady and firm and my creativity flows like a clean and uninhibited stream of water. It is so important to never lose the ability to do what it is that you love the most. You have to be fearless and not bother about the consequences, because your brain will tell you that you can't do it and then when you are actually doing it and are better your body will have won in conjunction with a part of you that you thought you had lost. Life is like that too in many ways. Things that you lost come back hauntingly and make you stand still and realize; usually in these moments you say to yourself, "OH! SHIT!"

It's been a month

A lot has happened in a month. I have joined Northern Virginia Community College at the Alexandria campus and I am doing historical geology and art history. I am so glad that I am doing these courses here - not only are they easier the professors are amazingly sincere and helpful! I love the people that go here too. They are so sweet and down to earth, very different from the crowd that I am used to in GWU. I think I have a legitimate crush after a really long time. Tanushree used to tell me that one can never forget ones first love, but honestly if not for anything else I needed this crush in my life to get over my past. I wanted to get over all the feelings that I had inside me and move on. I now realise that moving on is the toughest part and that once you get closure, it is just that - CLOSURE. I even cleared my friends list on Facebook, getting rid of all the toxicity and negativity in my life that i just could not deal with. I really feel blessed and happy that I have finally settled into the American lifestyle. Honestly, it took me a year! but I am here. I am looking forward to this week because it is my birthday week. i don't know how its going to be! It should be fun. I was feeling sad that I am growing up and hat this will be my final teen. I can no longer rely on "daddy" for everything. I really have to wear the 'grown-up pants' BUT I CAN'T!! I am not that kind of a person. I love to be pampered and spoiled and taken care of. I do not want to take care of myself. Anyway, I know that everything will settle into place and I will finnally get what I want. Somehow, I have come to realise, in my life whatever I have wanted I always get better than that somehow or when it is achieved the circumstances are so different that they fit in to the larger picture seemlessly. that's why I want to correct saying that I will get what I want, rather I will get what is right for me. Hoping for the best! wow happy birthday week to me!

Self Love

I have thought about what defines us as individuals recently, I have come to the conclusion that the one thing - even though most of us will deny it - that determines who we are is what others think (or not think) of us. We want to know what people want us to do, how they expect us to behave, what do they think that is odd or different about us and then accordingly we feel the need to justify it or not. The need to justify their opinion is simple, we just simply want constant validation. We want to be approved of. A guarantee that whatever we are and whatever we are doing is to satisfy others and in turn satisfy us by providing us a niche in society.

I want to stop here. I want to now talk about what it is like to be self loving almost bordering being narcissistic. Self love is the kind of love that seeks validation from no one but you. It is like a moral police only better because it loves you no matter what you do or how many times you may screw up. Being narcissistic is not a punishment it is a cure. It makes one smarter, stronger and much more secure in their own skin. Being comfortable in who you are will automatically make you love yourself. All these barriers of stereotypes and groups don't matter at all if you are at peace with yourself. Life is so short that if one wastes it on anybody whom we don't love it is truly a worthless existence. Instead of living in the moment at least we should all try and live for ourselves. I say we should be helpful to those in need but selfish in our needs and fulfill them first. Of course I do not mean that one has to become an evil person who doesn't care about anyone, all I think I am really saying is that we ourselves can teach us so much about us!! who knows you and I better than, well, you and I! think about it, and love yourself! :)

The Triumph of Parting

the warm wind blew near me once
I tasted the sweet scent of the night bloom on it's imagined feather of a make believe wing

It rustled the leaves around me
reminding me of times spent together in the drowsy autumn sun

In a flash it was gone
it's mere existence became a question
Did i feel it?
Did it warm this once bountiful heart;
now of which remains desolate ravage

Is there hope in this icy feeling of short hours and breathless nights
leaving me lifeless as a placid black glistening lake

Will spring come with warm blossoms or smiling faces?

My questions have answers only in the past;
uncertain futures and an irreparable present.

I guess I shall continue to sleep in waking and in sleep remain
a zombie till we shall meet again.

Oh food how I love you!!!

Food to me is the reason why I live. That's all. Food, and I mean any kind, makes me go wild with excitement and honestly is the only thing that truly fulfills or satisfies me. I have been cooking ever since I can remember - if not cooking then helping in the kitchen for sure! I remember the first time that I made a full meal was when my mom had the flu and I was 12 years old. I made Indian potatoes with 'chapati' bread and my mom really liked it. My love affair with food all started in my opinion when I would visit my great grandmothers house and hear stories from her about how when she was in Pakistan she would cook and what she would cook. Of course being Sindhi from my mother's side also helped because Sindhi curry with rice is a staple gourmet meal in any book. I think a great cook has to be someone who gets a kick out of winning. I feel like a winner when I make homemade ravioli, because I know its hard, I feel like a winner when the meringue cookies I make taste like fluffs of air. I just think that cooking is a combination of desire, passion, smell, aroma, creativity, artistry and above all the winning spirit. I want to some day go to Paris and take a course in being a pastry chef. If not for anyone else I want to do it for myself. I feel a spiritual connection with food and closer to nature and its bounty when I am cooking. Cooking is also synonymous with feeling good in my opinion. No matter how stressed I am or how angry I feel once the cake batter starts liquefying my sadness and anger start melting away like dark chocolate on a hot water bath. My icon in this field is - but of course the Queen - Nigella Lawson. I LOVE HER! I think from now on I will start posting pics of food that I have cooked along with a little recipe on how I made it! :D

Eventful Thursday

Hi Blog! it has been quite some time since I updated. Well I had a very productive Thursday - I took care of my internship application, spoke with my professors, got course approvals for courses to be taken at community over the summer. I am feeling great and am really excited for the next leg of my race of life. I got a fantastic new H&M jacket ... that too bought from Hungary! lol ... I am really gad with my life right now. Although I am also really very tired. I am excited about the Project Runway season finale this time around, but surprisingly not as excited as last times. I just hate it when shows go on and on and on ... but i guess people want to watch them so who are we to judge? Today was chalk day at GWU and we made some really cute chalk drawings on the sidewalks and on the streets. I made a Sun, A woman in a bikini and a sign next to her saying "stop objectifying women" and I made a cute baby seal holding a heart! :) .. It was really fun! I wanted to take pictures but I had no camera! The whole chemistry department drew the periodic table. Some Italians made the Italian flag! WHY??!! anyway I am really glad today was a great day and I am also glad got to see many familiar friendly faces! :D

Liquid

Liquid water
Traveling, waiting, moving
Taking the shape of the vessel of my soul
I am overwhelmed at this point
Brimming, bursting, ready to explode
The glass shatters
I inundate and flood my banks
There is a lull; a sudden peace and calm
I have not felt this way
I did not anticipate this feeling
Emptiness can be so comforting
And yet in this lattice of illusionary harmony lies my devastation

Emotions are the stream of time traveling through the crags of memory
I have reached the delta
I have become the waterfall
The ocean beckons to me
How do I understand its meaning?
Its meaning does not understand me
What understands me is the softened pebble, marble
My dreams have been smoothed out
Pools are where they collect, pools are where they collect
Depth does not matter because it does not exist
Sinking and rising constantly
Moving into the ocean my consciousness
Drowning my everything

Beauty

Beauty is in the eyes
It is in the sweetness of your words
The loveliness of your smiles
The purity of your virtues
And triumph over your trials

Beauty is not physical,
It is an emotion which can be felt maybe from within
Courage, Honor and Charity
Are all beauty to me

An old woman’s wrinkles from her smiles; beauty
A baby in his mother’s arms; beauty
Two lovers locked in a kiss; beauty

But the world lies about beauty,
Hunger, Death and Despair,
It is us that challenge beauty,
We must overcome the ugliness of our pretty faces,
Stop playing this Masquerade
Realize that beauty lies in saving and praying
Rather than war and destroying
There is no glory in spreading innocent blood,
There is no sacrifice in doing away with love,

Beauty is in the eyes of all of us,
We are the beholders,
The holders of this world,
The world is beautiful,
And beautiful are we.

Not the best

Today just started off in the wrong way. I did not get enough sleep in the morning, I got a overdue notice from the library and had to pay effing 10 dollars from my pocket (not that it is a large amount but its BUGGING). I have a weight training exam and I feel completely drained off of all energy. I am basically not in a very happy mood today. To top ot off the Environmental Geology professor showed us images of poor baby animals caught in oil spills! SO SAD I CRIED! Ugh! I just hope that this day progresses and becomes better gradually. Frankly speaking I am getting a little disappointed in how mundane and regular my life has become. My life used to be much more interesting and as the hatter said in Alice in Wonderland I have lost my
"muchness". I just am so confused and I think the real issue is that I do not know what I am doing wrong? what is so confusing! I am trying to be normal but I am so apprehensive. I just feel like I am not ready to be independent - I can't even do basic math and I am on to find a new life. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? so so so annoying. Only one good thing to look forward to today - real housewives of NYC and I bet my parents won;t let me watch that as well. Ugh ... but as they say ... c'es la vie! and you win some and you lose some. I am counting my blessings but what do you do when you can't count anymore? Are you still grateful then? GIVE ME AN ANSWER OH GREAT ONE UP THERE!

Class & Etiquette

I am considering buying the book 'Class With the Countess' buy Countess Luann De Lesseps. I am hoping that it can teacj me the finer points of how to behave at a social event, at a gathering or a gala. I somehow feel that I might one day be of some importance in the world and if I do not have the proper skills to be in the public eye it would be highly embarrassing for me as well as my family. However one thing is for sure class is not taught one is definitely born with an innate sense of grace and elegance. I just hope that the book is not about how women should behave - albeit that would be its primary demographic. But then again I feel that, even though I respect the Countess a lot, I would not be able to benefit from her book per say. Maybe I should just go and buy a regular etiquette book or maybe go to a finishing school for six months after college. Hm ... I do want to go to finishing school not only do they teach you the right way to dress and carry yourself but they also instruct you how to speak in public how to cook and serve meals how to behave with guests. I would definitely jump on an opportunity like that. The thing really is that I want to create this shell in public - this outer covering that only a few people would be able to see through. I wouldn't call it a shell of pretension but rather a defense mechanism so that I can cherish my true self within my personal group and private life. I don't know why but I feel like I will be a celebrity one day ... ever since I was 4 years old I have been practicing my autograph, I ADORE movies, I want to learn how to sing, I am creative I love painting, I just want to be known the world over as a STAR. But something tells me that I might just end up as a star on national geographic! haha! anyway I will carry on with my dreams ... see you soon Bloggieee! btw ... my cat had 3 kittens aww!

Long Nails

Hey there! you know what my nails are growing long again. I want to cut them but I am too lazy. BLOG! I have the best news ever! Amiya is coming to USA to study ... I am so happy you know. I really feel blessed to have a bff like her - she is so intelligent, beautiful and caring. But she is a bitch too :). Blog, I saw Alice in Wonderland today and it made me realize that my mind is much more imaginative than that it all seemed so normal to me. But the sad thing is my life is pretty darn ordinary. But you know I think I will make a list of weird things about me!

1. I like to talk to myselves out loud
2. I am heavily into the occult, psychic things etc
3. I love murder and blood and gore ... but only in movies ... in reality I wouldn;t hurt a fly and I am one of the nicest people ever
4. I have a wacky sense of humor
5. I pronounce people's names funnily
6. I burst out into song in public
7. I am addicted to sugar and I get a high from eating it
8. I de-stress by cooking complicated french desserts
9. I like to spy on people and evesdrop in on coversations ... even if I don't know who people are
10. I always admire my reflection everytime I see it


I think that its pretty normal though ... all these things. Eh anyway. Oh Blog!! CLEO IS GONNA HAVE BABIES AGAIN! :)

Party time? or guilty time?

I have recently pondered about the feeling of guilt associated with doing nothing. Even when there is nothing to do, really. I feel that way a lot, as if when I am not busy I am empty. I hate feeling empty. I used to have my best friends to rely on and hang out with but now they are back in India and it's getting tougher and tougher to deal with being alone. But there are really two sides of this argument. On one hand I am feeling lonely and lost but on the other I feel like I am maturing and growing more as a person everyday. I really do miss Delhi, but somehow this kind of missing feeling is not associated with any kind of nostalgia, it's more of an intrigue "what's going on, am I missing anything?" Well this emptiness will go away - I am sure. Once I find my life partner. The thing about finding a life partner is that when you least expect it it will happen - NOT NICE! I need to plan everything!! otherwise my life will go haywire. I know I am a freshman in college and my parents say that I need to have "experiences" with other people, but I dunno I feel like I can only have a connection with one person and stay committed for the rest of my life. That's why I am not ding any of that right now. I want to be in it to win it figuratively speaking. Well anyway I think that all these emotions mixed up with the nagging feeling of wanting to do something constantly is what really bugs me and makes me feel more anxious/guilty. Auf Wiedersehen kiddos! xx

COMEDY!

What is comedy? In my opinion ... like many other things comedy can't be defined in one single definition. What I find funny is not necessarily what you find funny. I at times feel like a serial comedian and at other times feel completely hopeless and boring. I always used to wonder what it was that makes me the comedic maestro that I can be at times. It's very simple its a mixture of two things - one is talking to your best friend who you haven't spoken in a long time and the second is a feeling of genuine happiness. I think comedy is a perfect escape from everyday life, it is an amazing solace and it definitely does make everyone around you much much happier. If you want to be funny just a few more words of advice. Be as irreverent as possible, take risks (sometimes people will not laugh (90% guarantee they will), be intelligent with your jokes and don't try to be funny on purpose be your own funny. Another tip do something out of the ordinary for eg. - I was skipping in the rain with my umbrella today and mind you I am an 18 year old man with a goatee. Have fun! and enjoy life! there after all is only one life to live ... or something like that.

Audrey Hepburn

Sophistication. Elegance. Poise. Virtue. Beauty. Intelligence. Of all the adjectives in this world, these epitomize Audrey Hepburn. In my opinion there never will be another person like her. I think the most striking thing about her was her gorgeous and I mean GORGEOUS Givenchy designed aesthetic of wearing clothes. Even in black slim trousers and turtle neck she looked amazing. I wish I meet someone who dresses like her now. But I think that would be hard as most girls feel very unsafe or even a little uncomfortable imitating the look of an Icon. I mean no one is seen wearing Katherine Hepburn's structured trousers or Grace Kelley's soft silhouettes either! so it's not a surprise. That being one reason I think the other would definitely be the lack of natural grace that many girls have these days. I am the first to agree - as I am writing a paper on feminism - about how necessary it is to be assertive and firm as a woman. But women nowadays confuse being assertive with being aggressive, they seem to have lost the charm of how something can be said in a very soft voice and yet have the impact of changing world policy. So girls be soft and elegant remember Audrey in 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and don't imitate her but create your own brand of You albeit a charming one please.

New Beginnings

It is a Thursday. But for me it's a new day similar to a Monday. I have to start studying ... I have so many things I need to do. I just am a slacker aren't I? I tell myself that I will be able to do it where as I really think I might not this time. There is amazing news though my best friend has come to visit and I will see her in 2 - 3 weeks. I am so excited I haven't seen her since May 7th 2009! I just hope my excitement stays. She is apparently under a very tight schedule, but I am dying to see her face. Its one of those inner feelings you know ... that need to be fulfilled. I know its selfish but let's face it everything anyone ever does is for selfish reasons. I know this is off topic but many people tell me that I am very pedantic. The way I describe things and write things make me sound book-like. I wonder is it a bad thing to sound like that? hmm ... anyway book or no book ... I think I certainly do make sense when it comes to talking about things that are important to me. So now back to my friends visit. I was thinking that it would be fun if we all went to New York or Boston and went around the city and went to the museums and everything. I want to DO things but my friend ... she wants to talk. I mean I know talking is what you do after you see someone in a long long time but I want to walk and talk. Let us see. It should be a fun trip. Anyway I am back to slacki...I mean .. studying :)

(picture taken from : everyonewhosanyone.com)

'The One'

I am out on a quest. I do not know what the beginning or the end of this quest was or is - I just know I am on it. I have inhibited myself from the touch of skin, I have never been with someone in 'that kind of way' and, I think, that if I practice this long enough then I will find the one who is right for me. But am I right in thinking that way? I don't know. So many people have told me that I must take initiative if I am to find that certain someone special. I say I already am by waiting for the right one to come along. Sometimes - actually a lot of times - I feel like I am fooling myself, that I am delusional and love doesn't just 'happen'. But fortunately or unfortunately I have witnessed true love blossom in front of my eyes too many a time to negate it's being. I don't think I am scared to be in love if that is the kind of message that I may be giving off. But, rather, I feel the opposite - I feel that love is scared of me. Of what I might do to it. I do feel that I am a creature that might sacrifice love for my own personal gains. But then again I do also feel that I would give up anything on Earth for 'the one'. I just have to feel it - it will be a spiritual connection. I will know it ... will I not?

Mothers

We all love our mothers. I do too. But lately, she is definitely getting on my nerves. Mostly she doesn't even have do anything in particular to annoy me. Its just that she says things in a tone that completely bothers me. Well I shall explain my situation. I go to George Washington University and since I stay in the city I stay at home and not in a dorm. I know, I know, I should be staying but hey it saves me $10,000 a year! so anyway we have decided that in my sophomore year I will move on campus. Sound like fun. I just hope I am able to have my own independence. My parenst are quite different they want me to party and socialize and I am just the opposite - I want to go back early, sleep early and study. I think that when I go away from my parents I really will be able to live on my terms. I need it. I will miss them a lot, but its time that they are out at a distance from me. I feel like I am taking my mum for granted as well at times but it is hard to appreciate all that she does for me when she is nagging and shouting all the time. I think most people will relate to my situation - thankfully I am not the only one. Well I still have another 7-8 months to go till I say goodbye to them. So I should make the most of it. Another thing that I am worried about is my 7 year old brother. My parents spoil him like anything and I am the only stern disciplinarian for him. If I go I wonder what will become of him. Oh well my parents brought me up pretty fine I guess they will bring him up as well! tc .. xox

I should study

I feel like there is so much to do today. I know that I should definitely be doing something and that something is namely - study. I feel that I have a lack of concentration these days when it comes to such matters. Anyway I shall move ahead and fore ward and go and study.

oh and by the way I made a yum fruit salad with a banana puree dressing! (cooking makes me de-stress)

see you kids in a while!!

About to go to bed

Hello again. I know it's getting pretty late but what the hell! So I was just thinking about spirituality and religion today a little deeply. I have realized a universal truth (many people already know this, I presume) we are all one. I mean I know that we are all unique individuals but our souls, rather, our energy is the same. The same energy that keeps the Sun lighting and all the other stars and galaxies in the universe shining is what makes us, US. We all are inevitably matter and we as the saying goes are "ashes to ashes, dust to dust". It makes a lot of sense and its a very comforting thought that this energy or this light is God and is within us. When you think this way things like birth, death, life, work, politics, equality of sexual preference, religion etc. all seem so trivial and not important. In fact they are so not important that they should be things we need on a secondary basis. The first thing we need to focus on is our inner energy, the light inside us that protects us and guides us. We should keep our social obligations and responsibilities intact within society but we must not forget that one day it all will be over and nothing of such proportions will matter when we turn into a rock, a gem, a grain of sand, a tree or a river bed. Peace and good night - sleep over it you will realize the depth of my words! :)

The first one

Hello cyberspace! A blog is trendy, is it not? I really thought long and hard before I finally decided - "what the hell give in and create your own blog". So, here I am. I know that there may be no one reading this but that makes this the best way for me to be able to talk with myself.

I have just emerged from the realms of the worst snow blizzard I have ever been in. Yes I live in DC (well Arlington, Virginia). This has really made for a crazy no-fun vacation. I am off schedule and off track everything. I just hate it when my routine is interrupted. But mother earth has to do what she does! and we have to comply. I shall be going out to lunch today and maybe relish the winter sunshine in the snow while it lasts. Auf wiedersehen Blog. See you soon.