Life happened

The last time that I wrote a blog entry was a while ago. I have done many things, and I have faced interesting challenges. I have travelled, learned, lived, loved, and so much more. The biggest difference is my writing though! I really had no control on punctuation. Wow. I graduated last year and I have honestly learned so much from that time. I am going to be 23 this summer, and I started this blog when I was 18. That's five years. In these five years I have realized that the best thing that we can do as humans is to stay true to who we are as people. Self awareness is the biggest tool that we have. When you are self aware you know what goes on inside you. You are in tune with your motivations and make sound decisions. You become less reactionary and more thoughtful. Growth comes only from self awareness. I have had an interesting 2 years since I last wrote a piece in the anthology-of-my-life blog. I found an amazing person with whom I am sharing my life. We have our ups and downs, and he has definitely been able to reveal a lot about my character; things that I would have never thought of. I have experienced all emotions in this beautiful ride with him. I think though the biggest thing that I have learned from being in a relationship is the responsibility that comes with it. You are committed to someone, many people forget that. This person has thoughts, emotions, and feelings just like you do. You have to respect that. You have to be there for them even if you think you can't emotionally. You have to do things together that will challenge you and test you to the limit. You have to be kind and you have to let your ego go. You are a team. My relationship, while leaving me raw at times, reinforced in me the tenets of my character that I hold deeply. Loving yourself first before loving anyone else, actively listening, being practical and methodical, and most of all leaving the big stuff up to god. For advice to anyone who has never been in a relationship I would say go for it and take risks but don't look for someone with the intention of finding a "life partner" look for someone with the intention to show love to. Show all of yourself to this person and then never look back. It will be hard, and you will feel at times that you are breaking down and that you will not be able to get up. Guess what? You will. You will be stronger, and harder, and better and brighter. You will learn to love better than ever. Something they don't tell you in relationship books is that a relationship, just like anything else in life, is a skill that you get better at over time. With practice you can make it work. I have done some wild things in these years, gone out every night of the week, drank myself senseless, partied all over Washington DC with all kinds of people. Saved a drunk man from dying from the side of the street. So. Many. Fun. Times. I think I will always remember undergrad as a time where I did everything with a "fuck, why not?" kind of attitude. I have cherished the memories that I have made and the friends that still stay by my side. I had some tough moments at home, with my mom's health. But the interesting thing about illness is that while its going on it sucks but that's it. It's only after someone is well and healthy again do you think back to that time and go "oh my god! I can't believe I dealt with that!" But all in all everything is going well. I am going to start graduate school in the fall to finally study conservation biology and public policy. I am elated! I will definitely keep updating my virtual journal. Reading this makes me happy. Love, Arjun

Metro

Through mirrors, made up of glass or otherwise,
we are looking,
The prisms of the three dimensional spaces
organize,
Combining complexity of thought
with simplicity of action,
Not a surprise,
Trembling hearts and distracted airs of drowsy clouds,
Hypnotize,
Understandably we question motives,
We argue with our minds,
Confront our feelings,
Suddenly, we realize,
The doors open, we see the light,
Alas, it is time to go,
It is time to end
We arrive.

The Bad Guys

I have been reading newspapers, watching the news and hearing opinions about the whole "anti-corruption" movement in India. Anna Hazare has become an icon and if not anything I think its great that he has made the people of India aware that they can collaborate and spearhead a movement. I overheard a conversation my father was having at the Dining table, and he said something interesting. It's all good that Anna Hazare is targeting corruption and the government that takes money in the form of bribes. But, what about the people who think it's okay to give bribes? What about people like Anil Ambani who use people and channel money through them to politicians like A. Raja. I am not making this up! This was reported in the news. In my opinion the bribe giver is worse than the bribe taker - what kind of a man or woman are you if you give a bribe? Probably someone who has no dignity, integrity and courage to face up to a system that is corrupt, and definitely you don't have the gut to say NO! People really have to open their eyes and the judiciary should stop being so biased. They say that justice is blind, but in India it definitely has 20/20 vision and judges for itself who is wrong and who is right in its eyes. As an added note I would like to add that just because you are a celebrity you should not be given special treatment by the courts - they are equal citizens too! Salman Khan should be in lock up right now for killing black-bucks and killing innocent people on the street while being drunk! not enjoying making movies and having bloody painting exhibitions! WAKE UP JUDICIARY!

My Life Now

When I look at myself objectively I see me for who I am. I always love looking at myself as how others would perceive me. Finally after a long time - a year and a half to be exact - I can see myself becoming the person I used to be. I am achieving my goals, although at the moment I feel like I am dipping my feet into cold water. Anticipating an initial shock and shiver of the coolness and then as I ease myself in I know I will assimilate in such a way that I will become the water itself. I have faith in my dreams. I am being faced with circumstances that I have dealt with before, and the best thing is that since I have perspective and experience I can deal with them better. I think time and age are amazing; they really make you who you are today. There is just one step left on my quest for complete self satisfaction and I can see that becoming a reality in the horizon too.

I have been talking about the future quite a bit; but frankly I am very satisfied with my present as well. I am really feeling at peace with the decisions that I have made and the kind of connections and relationships that I have established. I am really following my bliss. I hope you will too.

Ennui: A Narcotic High

Ennui: A Narcotic High: "Love. The combination of friendship, affection and lust that makes us experience something that is beautifully powerful and horribly painful..."

It really makes a lot of sense. you should see that special on discovery channel on love and the nature of it. We were shown clips in our social psychology class

Empty

Sometimes, actually most of the time, I feel this gaping hole inside me. It's like a vortex trying to suck all my energy into this one tiny compact spot. Then I realise that this feeling is coming from my heart. I never gave my heart to anyone nor did I ever steal anyones. I always told myself that I will be enough for me. That somehow, miraculously, I have the answers for all of life's questions. I just sometimes feel that all my answers are being sucked in by this void. I feel alone and shattered and that scares me. It scares me because I do not know what really happens when you love someone aside from what I am told. Itscares me because this hole is not going to let me find that someone I can spend my life with.

I look around me and I see that I am 19, I am a college student and I have to still figure out my life. One day when I was 14 I made up my mind that I don't need a relationship to keep me happy I will always have my work and my family and more than that myself to keep me strong. Little did I know that very same commitment came with a price. The price being my sanity, good night sleeps and emotional stability. Who do I talk to? To whom should I express my love to? I try to find that one and I am always told "No" why not for once without thinking about the consequences and wwithout thinking about the risks can I not find someone. I know I have standards but honestly when it is 1:00 am and you have a splitting headache and you feel like baring your soul into cybberspace ... where by the way no one gives a shit what I write ... you realise that high standards are just a defense mechanism, because you are scared of what might happen if you actually fall in love.

Rediscovering a part of me

Painting, Drawing, Sketching I used to think that I had lost my abilities with these instruments. Somehow I feel that rather than going away by not using these for the past year and a half they have had time to marinate and mature. No longer does my hand shake and cause a mistake on a watercolor I have been working on for 3 hours. My hand is steady and firm and my creativity flows like a clean and uninhibited stream of water. It is so important to never lose the ability to do what it is that you love the most. You have to be fearless and not bother about the consequences, because your brain will tell you that you can't do it and then when you are actually doing it and are better your body will have won in conjunction with a part of you that you thought you had lost. Life is like that too in many ways. Things that you lost come back hauntingly and make you stand still and realize; usually in these moments you say to yourself, "OH! SHIT!"