Empty

Sometimes, actually most of the time, I feel this gaping hole inside me. It's like a vortex trying to suck all my energy into this one tiny compact spot. Then I realise that this feeling is coming from my heart. I never gave my heart to anyone nor did I ever steal anyones. I always told myself that I will be enough for me. That somehow, miraculously, I have the answers for all of life's questions. I just sometimes feel that all my answers are being sucked in by this void. I feel alone and shattered and that scares me. It scares me because I do not know what really happens when you love someone aside from what I am told. Itscares me because this hole is not going to let me find that someone I can spend my life with.

I look around me and I see that I am 19, I am a college student and I have to still figure out my life. One day when I was 14 I made up my mind that I don't need a relationship to keep me happy I will always have my work and my family and more than that myself to keep me strong. Little did I know that very same commitment came with a price. The price being my sanity, good night sleeps and emotional stability. Who do I talk to? To whom should I express my love to? I try to find that one and I am always told "No" why not for once without thinking about the consequences and wwithout thinking about the risks can I not find someone. I know I have standards but honestly when it is 1:00 am and you have a splitting headache and you feel like baring your soul into cybberspace ... where by the way no one gives a shit what I write ... you realise that high standards are just a defense mechanism, because you are scared of what might happen if you actually fall in love.

Rediscovering a part of me

Painting, Drawing, Sketching I used to think that I had lost my abilities with these instruments. Somehow I feel that rather than going away by not using these for the past year and a half they have had time to marinate and mature. No longer does my hand shake and cause a mistake on a watercolor I have been working on for 3 hours. My hand is steady and firm and my creativity flows like a clean and uninhibited stream of water. It is so important to never lose the ability to do what it is that you love the most. You have to be fearless and not bother about the consequences, because your brain will tell you that you can't do it and then when you are actually doing it and are better your body will have won in conjunction with a part of you that you thought you had lost. Life is like that too in many ways. Things that you lost come back hauntingly and make you stand still and realize; usually in these moments you say to yourself, "OH! SHIT!"