Empty

Sometimes, actually most of the time, I feel this gaping hole inside me. It's like a vortex trying to suck all my energy into this one tiny compact spot. Then I realise that this feeling is coming from my heart. I never gave my heart to anyone nor did I ever steal anyones. I always told myself that I will be enough for me. That somehow, miraculously, I have the answers for all of life's questions. I just sometimes feel that all my answers are being sucked in by this void. I feel alone and shattered and that scares me. It scares me because I do not know what really happens when you love someone aside from what I am told. Itscares me because this hole is not going to let me find that someone I can spend my life with.

I look around me and I see that I am 19, I am a college student and I have to still figure out my life. One day when I was 14 I made up my mind that I don't need a relationship to keep me happy I will always have my work and my family and more than that myself to keep me strong. Little did I know that very same commitment came with a price. The price being my sanity, good night sleeps and emotional stability. Who do I talk to? To whom should I express my love to? I try to find that one and I am always told "No" why not for once without thinking about the consequences and wwithout thinking about the risks can I not find someone. I know I have standards but honestly when it is 1:00 am and you have a splitting headache and you feel like baring your soul into cybberspace ... where by the way no one gives a shit what I write ... you realise that high standards are just a defense mechanism, because you are scared of what might happen if you actually fall in love.